It’s been some time since I’ve come back to this space. Pregnancy. Babies. Life happened. Time ticked by. The days were long and the nights were longer. I let the hours slowly slip away from me. One thing led to another. The sleep deprivation led to exhaustion. The exhaustion led to feelings of discontentment and disillusionment. Which then led to anxiety which ultimately led to depression. It didn’t move in in quickly. No. It was a drip that slowly crept in, taking hold, and then consuming the small crevices of my heart.
Moving through each day, pushing forward, pretending to be “normal”: this was my everyday routine. I didn’t want to believe something was off, that something might be “wrong” with me. Perfectionism runs deep. I continued to just…be…letting everything weigh so heavily on my heart trying to keep up the perception that I was good, that everything was fine.
Then, one evening, standing alone in the kitchen, holding back heavy tears, a thought crossed my mind. I look around me-at everyone, at everything that made up my life and thought, “Wouldn’t everyone be so much better without me on this Earth?” The darkness had taken control. It took me several moments to snap back to reality, and that’s when I knew. I knew I needed help; I was well past the point of faking it. I needed something beyond me, something bigger than anything this world could provide.
I did seek out help, much needed help. I began to open up and talk to people closest to me about my struggles, pushing the embarrassment to the side. But, more than that, what slowly began to pull me out of this deep, dark pit was the Word of God. I opened my Bible again. I starting to write out His revealed Truth-His love letter to us. I got back to the Word and started praying simple prayers to my Father again. I began to make this an everyday habit, pushing myself closer to my Savior-hanging on to every ounce of Truth that stuck to my soul. Then, eventually, I started to feel His love creep back again. I felt His arms open wide waiting for my return, the return to true peace.
Like the prodigal son we read about in the Gospels, the son left for a time, returned with nothing, and his loving father greeted him upon his return with a tender embrace filled with overwhelming amounts of compassion. The father didn’t see the filth, or the shame, or the pride. He saw a choice that was made, a return back to love and that’s what he clung to, his son that he so deeply cared about. Our Father does the same for us. At times, we might find ourselves lost, relentlessly wandering here and there, but our Heavenly Father is there, always extending His hands, His arms, whispering gently in our ear that He’ll never leaves us, He’ll never forsake us.
Joel 2:12: “‘Even now’, declares the Lord, ‘return to me with all your heart…”
If you find yourselves lost, confused, or swept up in a whirlwind of emotions, return to Him with all your heart; He’s there waiting, to give you His heart and a peace like no other.