It has been almost a month since I’ve come here to write. Life has felt crazy and out of control lately. Change brings new experiences which in turn brings chaos. In this chaos, I have lost parts of me: particularly who I am and other parts of me which bring me joy. I have had a hectic schedule. Maybe one that is playing with that line of being over scheduled.
Exhaustion. That’s where I’m at today. But, I’m not coming here to write to complain or whine about being exhausted. I’m choosing to write because I am soul sick of what exhaustion has caused me to become. In this tiredness, I have become irritable, grumpy, cynical, scared, and a lukewarm Christian. Lukewarm. A word Christians should avoid at all cost. The dictionary defines lukewarm as “not enthusiastic; not having or showing energy or excitement; lacking conviction”. Before I encountered exhaustion, I had energy and excitement concerning the things of God. Then, exhaustion got in the way and took over my mind, my heart, and my soul. I no longer had the desire to read God’s Word. I no longer had an urge to go to Him in constant, never ceasing prayer. I no longer trusted His plans for me. This went on for four weeks. It even got to the point of actually telling myself every day “I’m not doing that because I DESERVE to take a break and rest”. While I probably needed rest, I had the wrong attitude about it. Because, if, as a Christian, we are honest with ourselves, we don’t deserve a lot of the things we think we deserve. We deserve much worse.
Finally, I decided it was enough. I was sick of being consumed by exhaustion and letting it control my life. I was done. I wanted my first love, Jesus, back into my life. Every minute of every day. One final push out of the haze I’ve been in for the past month came to me this morning while doing my daily study with If:Equip. The scripture for today was Genesis 25:27-34. This part of scripture speaks about an interesting deal/agreement between Esau and his younger brother Jacob.
Genesis 25:29-33 “Once when Jacob was cooking stew, Esau came in from the field, and he was exhausted. And Esau said to Jacob, “Let me eat some of that red stew, for I am exhausted!” (Therefore his name was called Edom.) Jacob said, “Sell me your birthright now.” Esau said, “I am about to die; of what use is a birthright to me?” Jacob said, “Swear to me now.” So he swore to him and sold his birthright to Jacob.
Esau was exhausted (among other things), and in his exhaustion he ended up selling his birthright to his younger brother Jacob. How crazy is that! At first read, I thought how outrageous of him to do something as silly as that. But, after contemplating about the situation, it occurred to me I can do some crazy and silly things when exhausted. Nothing like selling my birthright, but others sins as I mentioned earlier.
I don’t want to be like Esau and act out of exhaustion and tiredness. I want to find my rest, my everything in my everything, Jesus. I’ve made it a point to get back to having that desire to go to His Word and go to Him in prayer constantly during the day. In just one day, I felt my sin nature attempt to creep up and bring me back to the selfish point of thinking I DESERVE a break! But, I calmly remind myself that my rest is in The Lord and I want to give Him my time. The time He deserves.